Today was one of those days you wake up and don't know if it's reality or if you're still dreaming.. Then when you finally realize that you're awake.. you can feel that it's going to be a shit day..
All the time I sit and wish that my reality was something I can laugh about..
Something where love is everywhere...
Where trust was something that wasn't so hard to gain back..
Where liars didn't live to lie..
Where you're the rain, and you're friends are the rainbow..
But it doesn't happen like that.. so you have to make the best of what you have.. and hope what you're throwing back at life is what everyone wants to see..
Trying to make everyone happy at one time.. is really hard..
My dad wants nothing but for me to follow the church and hope in the end I'll be "saved".. but the truth is that I really don't want to.. I can't help it.. I just-right now can't do that.. I want to live my life without the hurt I seem to put on everyone around me.. and the disappointment I put apon my dad.. I don't see why he puts up with me as gentley as he has been..
My mom wants nothing but to help me get through life without screwing up like she did.. but.. considering the fact that so far.. I've done just about everything she did as a kid.. I don't know if what is going on is going to change..
My best friend wants nothing but to see me happy.. and I can't do that when she's what..? almost 2000 miles away from me.. I need her more than anything in this entire bloody world.. and when I need her most.. she's taken from me.. for nothing..
What is there to do other than make people hurt? I hate that I feel like I'm such a screw up.. I hate dreading coming home everyday because I know that all I'm going to get is yelled at, disappointed faces or just being ignored.. I don't know what hurts worse.. I do what I do, because I have experiences.. I have fun.. For once I never have to make someone happy.. I get to be me and not fear that everyone around me hates me..
And it doesn't matter who it is.. Hannah, Michaela, Shawn or even Will... I hurt them.. and I can't keep myself from doing it.. and I don't know how long I can put up with it..
The thoughts that run through my head every night are only those of breaking.. and how if I give up.. I don't have to hurt anyone or live like such a failure.. but the ones that matter most to me.. say that if I give up.. I'd only hurt them more.. but I don't know what else to do..
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